Friday, November 27, 2009

This is what I've been doing for the past week, preparing for my Sociology exam (3 essays in 2 hours):

http://write-raven.livejournal.com/4162.html

http://write-raven.livejournal.com/4499.html

Despite the an-essay-a-day routine in the week leading up to the most dreaded SC2210 exam on Tuesday (24/11/09), my writing still left much to be desired. Maybe it's because I was required to churn out 3 essays instead of the 1 that I was used to, in JC. For GP, we had an hour and a half to write a properly thought-out essay that you could spare maybe the last 20 minutes editing. But the SC2210 paper was like a Human Geog essay, where I was scribbling so furiously my hands cramped up pretty badly. Not fun. Really, it took away all the fun of writing an essay. Plus, I noticed the length of my essays gradually got shorter and shorter. I was so drained by the end of it. Maybe I've fallen out of the essay-writing momentum. Writing Geog essays is good training. Makes you hardier, because you've endured the agony, the hardship. Builds up your mental stamina ... that falls to bits after a year of slacking.

But the Philo and New Media exams were MCQ, and so is English (this coming Monday), which gave me some breathing space. After the rigour of the JC curriculum, uni feels like a huge relief (apart from the tiresome projects). For now, at least. I don't want to jinx the coming semesters.

Anyway, I've decided to put off Mint for now and focus on Patches of Blue Sky (need to change title soon!), because Mint doesn't seem to have much of a solid plot despite my upbeat note not too long ago about the summary-equals-strong-foundation bullshit. It wasn't quite as painful as I'd expected it to be, probably because I've neglected it for so long (thanks to schoolwork) that I was practically detached from my characters.

Still, good news is, Patches is taking shape very nicely. There's a proper pacing thanks to an element I've decided to incorporate, and the words flow relatively easily (for now - not about to jinx anything!), more easily than for Bedful of Moonlight, almost as easily as When the Lilies Turn Orange. Yiruma's music is a drug, is all I can say.

Triv told me she'd read a couple of my 'stories' that I'd written prior to my first proper novel, Lilies. The word is in inverted commas because, as aforementioned, I don't regard anything I've written before Lilies a proper, publishable story that I'm particularly proud of. So she read High Grounds - which I wrote when I was 15 - and said she could see the improvement from that to my subsequent novels, which is one thing good that came out of it, I suppose. Writing High Grounds was actually fun, despite the many cringe-worthy bits. I enjoyed creating the drama, weaving the romance and spinning the catty betrayals. But in retrospect, it is too run-of-the-mill teen series, very OC-ish, The Clique-ish in my book and very 90210-ish in Triv's (I don't watch that show, so I don't know). Still, when I was writing that, I didn't have being published in mind, because then, I was still under the impression that you needed lots of money for start-up fee to get published: paying the literary agents, the editors, etc. So I was writing that purely for my own enjoyment.

But later, after writing Lilies, I decided I wanted an audience, or at least some people to tell me how they felt when they read my story. So I researched more on publishing, and found out - whaddya know - you don't need any start-up fee, just loads of dedication, perseverance, a tough hide and a willingness to learn - and, of course, the discipline to actually crank out those words.

That's what NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is all about, isn't it? I did think of taking part in it this year, but because November is a hectic month for those in uni, I didn't have the time to embark on the 50k marathon (the idea is to write a 50,000-word novel in a month - that, as they say, involves lots of caffeine).

But that's okay. I'm not the type who forces myself to stare at the computer screen till my eyes bleed, just so I can write the 5 pages I tell myself to write everyday. Some days the words just get the better of you, and some days you can grasp them in your palm. Ultimately, the writer is the one in absolute control of the way his or her novel turns out. And the best thing is, there are so many possibilities. That's scary, in a way, but also what makes creative writing so exciting. I realised it's the only - well, one of the only few - things that actually makes me feel like life is worth living. Some people work hard for the money, for the designer Coach wallets, for the photos of them clubbing that they can stick on Facebook and have everyone comment on it. Others prefer staying at home, Yiruma replaying on the stereo, and creating a world that is entirely their own.

Guess that is the main reason why I am, to quote Chooyan, 'so single I don't even have a has-been', 'as evergreen (a term uni people fancy when referring to themselves or others who have been single since forever) as Bukit Timah Reserve'.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Was in a strange mood yesterday. Maybe I'm just tired of being lonely, tired of never being able to meet up with everyone at one go, tired of not knowing what to say when we're together, tired of the monotony, tired of my numbed state of mind. I want to love, to laugh, to cry like I used to, to hurt, to feel the heightened turmoil of emotions overwhelm me. Do we get so desensitised as we grow older that we hardly respond to anything anymore, that we forget how to love and hate, to feel the pain like we used to, when our worlds were smaller and everything in it swelled in significance as a result?

After lying in bed, staring at the blank wall for an hour, I couldn't stand it. Just had to get it out somehow. So I penned this. It's kind of raw, but it's the only way I knew how to put it.


What do you do
On the nights you have no-one
To love,
The nights you cling
To your pillow for warmth,
Hoping time will fill up
The space next to you?
You lie on your side,
Facing the wall,
Because that is easier
Than looking at the mouth
Of darkness,
Shadows stretched
Into a distorted version of reality,
Ready to swallow you whole.
The baseless ground shakes -
Or is that just your heart,
Trembling,
Inching towards the edge,
About to burst
Into a million tears?

It is only
3a.m.


I just want to thank all my friends - you know who you are - who have been with me for so long, despite everything. I don't do this enough, I know. But I do love you, every one of you who have shared so much - or at least, my version of much - with me.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

EL1101E DW8 and the wonderful Dr Mie:







Friday, November 06, 2009

Update 1: Last EL1101E tutorial on Tuesday. We gave Dr Mie a card in which we all wrote little notes, and she was so touched she cried. Which made me cry. There is something inherently infectious about seeing someone cry. More so when they cry with joy. But Mie Sensei is one of the nicest teachers I've ever met. So genuine and earnest. I'm glad to have her as a teacher. Thank you, Mie Sensei!

Update 2: I had a dream on Wednesday night, where my best friend died and I was crying and moping all over the place, and my dad remarked, "If you go around with a gloomy face, no boy is ever going to look at you." Surreal.

Update 3: Yes. I have decided to take part in Nanowrimo. A lot of authors don't seem to be (eg, Sarah Dessen and Erica Orloff), but I figured, what the hell, might as well try it. Although I probably won't be able to complete a 50,000-word (minimum) novel in a month, seeing as how my exams are in two and half weeks' time. I'm submitting a completely new story that I don't remember if I've mentioned here before. It's tentatively titled Patches of Blue Sky, and currently stands only at 1,700-odd words, 8 pages. Yes. Infant stages. I'd given up on Mint for a while - the evil mid-story goblin ate up my words, slowing down my progress; it always happens in the middle of the story - but came up with a 50-word summary during Cultural Studies lecture on Wednesday. I'd initially decided to give up on it because I decided it didn't have enough of a plot to go on, but now that I've come up with a solid stripped-down summary of it, there's a renewed impetus to pull through.

Update 4: My prolonged absence from this blog was a result of drama addiction. Don't flagellate me for it. Dramas have such a massive cult following for a reason; they're described as addictive for a reason. I'm not at the Boys Before Flowers stage yet, though, and I don't think I ever will be, because I just can't watch a show where I'm not interested in the characters. The only Korean drama I've ever watched was when I was, say, 12? And I've not been enticed to watch any others ever since. I don't know why. I don't have anything against anything Korean, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I just finished watching Starlit yesterday, starring His Royal Hotness Jerry Yan. It was ... well ... good, if you like the type of dramas where the girl dies in the end. I don't, but it's a really good show. Dead romantic, of course, otherwise I wouldn't be gushing about it so much. And Jerry was HOT, as usual. He does well in this sort of roles, the sweet and devoted boyfriend roles. Makes me more in love with him. Anyway, I didn't expect Starlit to be this nice, but I was dying for a slice of Jerry, so I decided to watch it even though the first 2 episodes didn't hook me in straight away. I'm glad I stuck through, though, because it's quite a rewarding show.

Now. No more dramas until your exams are over, Joyce. Just one more month.

I miss Jerry already.