Confessions of an INFJ

This is kind of random, but I've been talking to a few INFJs lately (we make up just 1 percent of the population), and it's been so nice to find people who get you, get your weirdness, and are coasting right on your wavelength.

Some common things INFJs hear are:

"You hardly ever go out!"

"Man, you're boring."

"Why don't you ever want to do anything?"

"Are these the few friends you have?"

And really, it's not like that.

It's not that we hate company; we just need time to be alone every day. It's how we recharge.

It's not that we don't want to spend time with you; we just don't need to be with you all the time. Some space and distance isn't a bad thing. 

It's not that we hate going out; we just need a purpose for doing that. I've found myself aimlessly wandering the streets just because I went out for the sake of going out. But it felt completely meaningless and unstimulating. I've got more things to do at home - blog, read, write, scroll through Tumblr...

It's not that our social circle is small; it's just that want to focus more on every person in our lives. We regard personal relationships very seriously, so we want to know that the people around us are worth spending time and energy and effort on if we're going to invest so much emotion in them.

It's not that we don't want to open up to you; it's just hard for us to lay ourselves bare to someone who might decide not to care and/or walk out of your life the next minute, or after they realise what a neurotic bag of weirdness we are.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel so much, and am able to get over the hurt after listening to a song or something.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't over analyse things to death, or wear myself thin worrying about every little thing.

Sometimes, I wish I were an ENFP, so maybe things would be easier. I would find it easier to fit in, move on faster from things that bum me out, and internalise my emotions less.

But thank goodness for other INFJs. ENFPs may be super fun to hang out with, but I think at the end of the day it's the INFJs who really get you.

Fellow INFJs, do you feel lonely in a crowded world?

Bali Bound! (and struck by quarter-life crisis)

I'm off to Bali this Thursday! And given that it's my first time there, as well as my insane love for the sea, you can be sure I'll be flooding this spot with pictures after I get back.

This is a much-needed break from the routine I've gotten so used to. Working, writing, sleeping, swimming. I know I have the luxury to swim every morning, and time after work to write, something a lot of my peers don't because they are so consumed with work. But I just feel like I'm ... grazing. Going about my same old routine in the safety of my comfort zone. And lately I just feel trapped, going stir-crazy in the same spot, still not going anywhere two years after graduation. But then the thought of stepping out of what I know paralyses me with fear.

I know I'm not the only twenty-something who feels this way. Do you feel like there's just so much you want to do, places to go, people to meet, but there are so many factors holding you back? Money, family, the conventional way to live. I'm supposed to get a job straight after graduation, get promoted within a few years, meet someone along the way, get married by 30, have two kids - all because that's the "right" way to live. What if there are other options? I wouldn't know what other options are out there because I haven't really stepped out and LIVED.

A lot of people - especially those older than us - think that quarter-life crisis is laughable. The thought that we should suffer from that debilitating sense of aimlessness is ridiculous, because we're only just starting out in the real world. But I think this is the point in our lives where we start panicking because we feel like we should have done so many things already, but haven't achieved anything much. I'm nowhere near my goals, relationship or career wise, while people around me are getting married, having babies, and making the news.

What do you think, is this just me being greedy, wanting everything without daring to take the first step? Maybe this is the "loneliness loop" people talk about:

... it’s possible for us introverts to get stuck in a cycle of loneliness.

This “loneliness loop” can happen because staying home alone is often our default. We might find it hard to muster up the energy to hang out with people, especially after a long day of work or classes.

Plus, we don’t like superficial socializing:

“We desire and require deep connections and would rather be lonely alone than in a crowd,” Dembling writes in a Psychology Today blog post. “But realistically, those deep connections are not easy to find, and if we get caught short and our only choice is superficial socializing or nothing, we can get lonely.”

Illustration by Kris Di Giacomo

Anyway, this post is getting too depressing. On to better news. I'm charging through the last 50 pages or so of No Room in Neverland. Here's where the words pour out and sweep you towards the end. It's the most exhilarating part, and also the most all-consuming. The part where you live, breathe, and dream about the story, where it creeps into your veins and you become it and vice versa. Full speed till the end!

On a not-so-upbeat note, I received another rejection letter for Until Morning:


Dear Joyce,

Thank you for the email and interest in The [name redacted] Literary Agency.

I've carefully reviewed your query and submission of UNTIL MORNING.

You are a very skilled writer, and I find your overall premise of this story to be quite interesting. With that said, I'm wanting to feel more connected to the characters of the shifting points of view (Lexi and Sam). And while I don't want to know every detail in the first couple chapters, I want to have a pretty good grasp of what the story is about, so that as a reader, I'm fully there.

With that said, possibly another agent or agency will feel differently, and I wish you well on your search for the perfect home for this story!

All my best,
Vicki

But while it is a rejection letter, I'm strangely glad to receive it. Beats receiving NO reply at all, at any rate.

I'm this close to giving up on Until Morning. This is what I mean by being trapped. You try and try and try and try and try. And try again. But you're just not going anywhere. 

So yes, Bali. Bali is much needed.

Have a crisis-free week!

an update on the party business

I chickened out in the end. I chose the easy way out and retreated into my hermit cave instead of attending the pirate-themed beach party my company threw just for kicks. (Also, I keep mentioning pirate-themed, only because I want to remind myself how ridiculous it sounds to someone who doesn't like themed parties that involve dressing up.)





My company is big on these bonding events, and really it's not so bad. There's pizza, booze, games, goody bags, prizes - the usual shebang you'd expect at a company party. But I'm not a party person in general. My idea of a good Friday night is curling up on the couch with a book, or being productive and churning out pages of my novel.



It might be the cynic in me speaking, but I don't want to get close to anyone when I'm likely not going to see these people again. I don't want to get attached when I intend to leave as soon as something else comes along.

But I do understand that in order to have something worth writing, I need to go out and live. Experience things, see things, meet and talk to people, even if they're only going to be acquaintances. I know I need to break out of my routine and my cloistered life for the sake of my sanity, my social life and cultivate a less boring personality.

But I'm terrified - deathly terrified - that it would turn out really awkward and, well, un-fun. And that I'd have wasted my time being a socially-retarded loser. I think that's the reason why I'm always hesitant to attend social events. That I'd be reminded of the fact that I either stick out like a sore thumb or have to behave in a socially acceptable way - requisite small talk, bright smile to constantly hold up, chirpy voice - in order to fit in.



Of course, staying in my comfort zone makes me even more of a socially-retarded loser.

I want to get out more. I do. But sometimes, going out is such a hassle and meeting new people is daunting. Terrifying. It gets even more terrifying the more I retreat into my shell. Because the truth is, despite how much I convince myself I don't care what people think of me, it is ALL I can think about when I meet them.

Does she think I'm weird? 



Am I boring him? 

Is she wishing she's anywhere else but here with me? 




What will he say to his friends about me? 

Do I have something in between my teeth? 

Oh god, did I just snort in laughter?



Well, in any case, it's raining now. A part of me is relieved. Now I won't have to feel so bad about not going. A moment later, another part of me chides that relieved part for being so selfish. Urgh. If only I weren't such a weirdo. How do you become normal? What is normal? Taking part in social drinking and party games? What if I don't want to be that kind of "normal"? Does that make me abnormal?

Next time. Next time I promise I'll go.