Sunday, February 28, 2016

The Write Life - Staying True to Your Craft

I've been hooked on TED talks by writers and creators lately. It was this particular one [Success, Failure and the Drive to Keep Creating] given by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love that got me started. I come back to this speech every time I need a pick-me-up while lost in the wilderness of creation or in the pits of despair when things are out of my control.

In her speech, Gilbert talked about the struggles every writer faces: rejection, failure, feeling stuck in the same spot for years, being powerless in the publishing arena and facing things that are out of our control, like market forces and book sales.


On rejection and pushing through:
I failed at getting published for almost six years. So for almost six years, every single day, I had nothing but rejection letters waiting for me in my mailbox. And it was devastating every single time, and every single time, I had to ask myself if I should just quit while I was behind and give up and spare myself this pain. But then I would find my resolve, and always in the same way, by saying, "I'm not going to quit, I'm going home." 
And you have to understand that for me, going home did not mean returning to my family's farm. For me, going home meant returning to the work of writing because writing was my home, because I loved writing more than I hated failing at writing, which is to say that I loved writing more than I loved my own ego, which is ultimately to say that I loved writing more than I loved myself. And that's how I pushed through it.

On "going home":
... the remedy for self-restoration is that you have got to find your way back home again as swiftly and smoothly as you can, and if you're wondering what your home is, here's a hint: Your home is whatever in this world you love more than you love yourself. So that might be creativity, it might be family, it might be invention, adventure, faith, service, it might be raising corgis, I don't know, your home is that thing to which you can dedicate your energies with such singular devotion that the ultimate results become inconsequential.

On staying true to your craft:
The only trick is that you've got to identify the best, worthiest thing that you love most, and then build your house right on top of it and don't budge from it.And if you should someday, somehow get vaulted out of your home by either great failure or great success, then your job is to fight your way back to that home the only way that it has ever been done, by putting your head down and performing with diligence and devotion and respect and reverence whatever the task is that love is calling forth from you next.

I'm a born worrier. People around me always tell me to stop overthinking. So it's no surprise that I drive myself crazy going in circles in my head, thinking about potential outcomes (most of them not very pleasant) and obsessing over what I'm doing wrong to remain stuck where I am.

But I often find that losing myself in the story I want to tell not only takes my mind off these worries, it also reminds me of why I'm even doing this in the first place: because, like Gilbert, I love writing more than I love myself. It's something I would do even if I weren't getting paid for it; it's something I do when I'm happy or down or troubled or angry; it's something I will always do and can't help but doing because making up stories is already a part of me -- it's in my blood.

I think there are some people who wander in life for years, not knowing what their purpose is, and lucky the ones who find their calling early in life and therefore have years to work on it. So when you do find your calling, you need to hold on to it, nurture it, and keep in mind why you love it even when there are moments - many of them - when you feel like giving up.

So onward, storytellers. May you always manage find your way back home to what you love, and not waver in the face of failure.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

A Single Girl's Guide to Being Happy this Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day this weekend. Which means a weekend of enduring the sight of couples wearing cheesy coordinated outfits and men presenting stuffed teddy bears to girls, as well as the barrage of commemorative photos on social media. #truelove4eva

Funny how it's been years since this occasion was first given so much commercial value, and people still buy into the whole fanfare.

Maybe I'm just a cynic, or I don't understand what it's like to be in love. But while I'm sure there's much to appreciate about being in a committed relationship with someone, there's also a lot to be thankful for as a twenty-something singleton.


As I navigate the dating minefield, I've also been collecting dating and relationship advice from well-meaning friends of mine (who have witnessed me at the height of an infatuation and suffered through my tales of unrequited interest, on my part and on the chaser's).

Here are some that struck a chord in me, along with other lessons I've learned on my own:


1. Know Thy Worth

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If you make someone your everything and he only treats you as his something, it's going to end in tears. You expect too much. You want more. You start getting resentful. It's only going to wear you out in the end. And you deserve more than that.

So remember what you are worth. If the guy isn't putting in any effort at all, then he isn't worthy of you.


2. Focus on Being You


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Nobody likes a wallflower with the personality of a sock. Be happy in your own company. If you don't even enjoy being with yourself, then you can't expect someone else to. So fill up your life with the things that make you happy. Have goals. Strive to achieve them. Start creating a version of yourself that you will be proud of. When you're so busy being you, you won't need validation from anyone else but yourself. And that itself is a powerful thing.


3. Take Your Time

While my Facebook feed is choked with pictures of friends and acquaintances flaunting their engagement rings, anniversary photos and even (gasp) babies, I feel like there are also many of them who are also single.

Sometimes, it can feel like this:

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I don't see the point in going into a premature relationship and then half-assing it. "Trying out" with someone I'm not 100% into would eventually just wear out an INFJ like me. Like my friend Liz said, timing is important. If two people are at different stages of their lives where they are seeking different things, then it's likely that they will run parallel to each other and never meet, even if they do like each other. Tragic, but true.

So I guess time takes time. Better a happy singledom than an unhappy relationship.


4. Be Open ... But Have Some Standards

I've been told that my expectations are too high - a statement that I really don't agree with, by the way - and that you could have someone who ticks all the right boxes in your checklist (if you have one) but it still wouldn't feel right ... as Glamour's experiment below proved.


That doesn't mean you settle for anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest in you. Rather, it's taking the time to know more people so that you understand what you're really looking for so that you don't end up rushing into a relationship.


5. Don't Sweat It

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A rejection isn't the end of the world. A non-reply - or a curt, half-hearted one - may dent your dignity, but what doesn't kill you does make you stronger. Sometimes, you can do everything right and things would still not work out the way you hope it would. What are you going to do, mope and cry?

Once you start placing less importance on one thing, you're freeing yourself up to many other things. You're giving yourself the space to pursue other things, and saving yourself a whole lot of angst in doing so.

Besides, no one said you only had to go after one thing in life. And frankly, you have better things to worry about than why he blue-ticked you on WhatsApp.


6. But Don't Ever Give Up on Love

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This one came from my dad. Despite all the horror stories we've heard about relationships gone wrong and people being screwed over by love, he still believes there's someone out there for me. And according to him, the worst thing you can do for yourself that would diminish your chances of ever falling in love is to become disillusioned by the notion of love.

So even if consecutive lacklustre dates and humiliating rejections may convince you that you're better off alone after all, I guess the key is to have faith that someday someone will appreciate you for being you, and vice versa. In the meantime, stay awesome and get comfortable with solitude.


What other dating advice have you received that you think is worth imparting? Share them in the Comments section below! I'm all ears.

This article first appeared on ZALORA Community.