Saturday, May 28, 2011

Allow me to indulge in some mindless rambling.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. It gets even more obvious when you're in university, when you're around people with such clear ideas what they want to do with their lives, and when and how they want to achieve. They are so driven and determined, I feel like I can never ever be like them. I don't mean to put myself down or allow myself to feel inferior to others, but it seems I've gotten a lot more apathetic after the A levels. Back then, in secondary school and junior college, I knew what I wanted: as many A's as possible. The whole point was to get to the school I want. But now in university, where the next step after graduation is employment, I'm more lost than ever. And time's running out for me to decide.

I don't regret majoring in English Language (okay, maybe a little - I often wonder if I would enjoy majoring in English Literature instead), but that's all I'm sure I want to do. What happens after, I haven't made any solid decision. My peers are already planning their career journeys and setting goals on when they want to earn their first million or buy their first condo or take their PhDs. All this planning just gives me a headache. Maybe I don't thirst for all that as much as they do. Maybe I don't give a flying crap about scaling the corporate ladder and the ranks of society, or luxury-car and condo ownership. Maybe I'm just not a fan of planning, period. Maybe I've been too protected by my father, that I don't feel the need to work for anything. I want him to not work so hard and be so tired all the time. So I guess I'll work for the sake of that. But I don't know what else I want beyond that.

And it's not like I'm doing fantastically in school. There, I said it. I'm not doing all that well. Just average, occasionally slipping below average. But the good thing is, I'm not planning to take honours, so I'm staying thankfully out of the fray, away from all those people slugging it out amongst themselves. Maybe the reason I don't kill myself trying to get on the honours track is because I don't see how that's going to make anything better. Sure, everyone says the pay will be better and all that. But what if I don't even know what I want to do after graduation? Despite my efforts, I can't do as well as my peers, so I'm not going to die trying. I don't believe education is the be all, end all of life anyway.

Still, it's still nice to know you can ace the modules you choose. Nothing like university to make you feel uncertain about yourself and your abilities.

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