Saturday, January 19, 2013

So that's it. I've just told my editor I'm not staying.

My friends think I'm stupid for doing that, since it's my first job and they think I should suck it up and stick it out.

I did agonise about leaving for weeks, wondering if I should really take up my editor's offer to extend my contract for three more months before deciding. It's not a bad job, and the hours are forgiving (10am to 7pm, which gives me time to swim in the morning). My editor isn't an unreasonable boss, either, just occasionally frustrated when I make the same mistakes.

But the environment is, dare I say it, sterile, and the workload heavy and never-ending. I barely have time for water cooler breaks, much less lunch. If I take time out to eat, I'd never be able to finish my work on time and I'd have to stay on longer in the office. I don't want to be one of those people who stay in the office the entire day and go home just to sleep. Even if it's my first job and I need to pay my dues, this is not how I want to live. I'm in my twenties!

My dad told me to ask myself what I really REALLY want. To be happy at a job, or to to do well at a job but come home tired and stressed out every day. He asked me if I head to work with a sense of dread every day, and I realise that the good mood I start out with at the start of the day (I hum, I prance, and I just made myself sound like an idiot) is slowly but surely chipped away at by the end of the day.

Some days, just when I feel like I am in control of my work and can actually do this, I'm tossed a new assignment that I have no idea how to tackle. And with concurrent assignments I feel like I can't keep track of everything that needs to be done or covered; there's always something I forget or miss out, and that's the case for every assignment I've had so far. There's only so many mistakes you can make before you majorly piss someone off, and I know no matter how hard I try I will make more mistakes because I can't multitask THAT well.

Anyway, the bottomline is, I don't know what I want yet in terms of a full-time career (well, I do, but the one I have in mind isn't practical - according to my dad, it's just a HOBBY), but I know what I don't want. I'm not a journalist, never have been - I'm not curious, I don't probe, I'm not meticulous, I couldn't care less about details. I just like to write. I don't know where my love for writing (fiction) will take me, but I know that journalism is not something I want to do for long. It'll only be a matter of time before I leave.

On an unrelated note, it's been raining non-stop since 1am last night, which means it's been raining for 12 hours straight. I've been waiting since 8am to go for a swim, which means I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FIVE WHOLE HOURS. I am soooo restless it's killing me! I tried pacing, I tried lifting weights, I tried dancing (or in my case, just jiggling about like an idiot), but nothing seems to work. I NEED TO SWIM. This need is gnawing away at my insides; I feel so trapped. Yes, I'm crazy, but this shouldn't come as news to you.

I'm trying to write (at page 234 of FIFTEEN MINUTES now), but I just get so distracted. If only I could swim.


Anonymous said...

Hello, I am currently an English major in NUS and stumbled upon your blog while searching for some reviews regarding the modules. Just wanna say that I found your writing really inspiring, especially when you're so sure of what you want to do even though you don't know where you're headed. I'm also one of the few EL majors who would like to venture into seemingly impractical and non-existent jobs like writing. I face a lot of discouragement from people around me who would simply quip "What else can you do besides teaching?" but I found encouragement from your obstinate pursuit of your dream. :) Please keep writing!!


Joyce C said...

Hi G, thanks for your very kind words of encouragement! It's so nice to have someone share the same dreams (and uncertainty). Maybe we arts majors are a dreamy impractical bunch, but I personally wouldn't select another course to take. Have you decided which modules to take for this sem? Thanks for popping by my blog and leaving such a lovely note - you make my day!

Xo Joyce