Friday, March 20, 2009

Yet another reason I'm a freak: I stayed up till 4am last night, just thinking and crying sporadically and spontaneously about 5-6 times throughout. I listened to the radio, and heard songs reminiscent of the past. 'Rhinestone Cowboy' is one of my dad's favourite songs, cause he likes Glenn Campbell. And then there was this Natalie Imbruglia song that reminded me of Sec 3. And then some other song that brought me back to when I was in primary school and dad and I went swimming every Sunday at River Valley Swimming Complex (it's closed now), and we'd go over to Daimaru for lunch and then the National Library later. He really spent a hell lot of time with me.

And I just started questioning myself if I was good enough for him. All my life, I've always wanted to be the daughter he always wanted. I'm sorry, this is shaping up to be a really sappy-ass post. But I guess self-doubt plagues you when the night is cold. He invested so much effort and time into me. He's really a simple guy. Not simple in the head, of course, but his dreams and hopes (OMG, major fucking cliche - sorry bout that!) are relatively simple enough. I'm not being big-headed or anything, but I really believe that what will make him happy is me doing well in life. I just wish I can give something back to him.

And then, as I mentioned, I was reminded of Sec 3 as well. So I started having these flashbacks of me, Ger, Jerm, YL and the whole gang in the caf, at our lockers, in Mrs Singh's Chemistry class (there was once when we totally slacked off at the back of the class when Mrs Singh wasn't around and Keith reliefed us), on the sofa in our homeroom. I wonder if they think I've changed; I know I must have. Somehow, I feel like I've let them down. It's strange. Friendship has never been on the top of my priority list, because I've always believed friends come and go from your life. I mean, I don't even keep in contact with my Sec 2 friends anymore, except Khrish (love you). The only constant is just always your family. Somehow, I just view friends as strangers you spend more time with. They don't know how you're really like, they can choose not to love you, they can choose to stop being your friend. Family - they're always there, by default, and they'll always love you; they'll never leave you. Maybe that's why I've been such a loner lately. Sometimes, it's just easier being alone. No conflicts, no consensus needed; just do your own thing. No need to worry about saying the wrong thing, or wanting to be alone, or offending people. I know I can't say these things to them, because they'll probably get mad at me (proves my previous point).

I guess the problem with me is that I'm too - I don't know - caught up in my own head? I'm the quintessential introvert; psychologists can probably base their own stereotype of introverts on me. So I tend to think a lot, and internalise my conversations. Things that people (like Gerlynn, maybe) might verbalise, I'll keep it stewing in my head. Guess that's why I don't contribute much to conversations. I'm just too worried about saying the wrong thing, too afraid to offend people.

I just wish I can be a better friend to them all. They're really sweet (and on a sidenote, thanks to YL who's been so understanding and concerned), and it's really a 'it's not you, it's me' case (lol).

I am SO rambling.

But yeah, this is why I kept crying last night. I just want to be the person everyone wants me to be, so that I won't fall short of their expectations - as a daughter, as a student, and as a friend. Sometimes, I think I already have.

Anyway, got this from a psychology book (I just felt it rang so true; it's almost scary):

* Loner Style: Loners drift, with little strong attachment to anyone.

- Comfort is found in being solitary
- Rarely expresses anger
- Does not reveal him/herself easily
- Is harsh towards self
- Chooses hobbies and interests that allows him/her to be alone; eg. Math, computers, writing, etc
- Appears bland and cold, with little emotional activity

- Does not engage in the usual social smiles or nods
- Detached; does not want social relationships and lacks skill to deal with others
- Avoids emotional entanglements; very restricted emotionally
- Appears superficial or self-absorbed due to lack of interest in others (how many times have Ger called me selfish?)
- Few, if any, close friends; may be close to a member of the family
- Finds social closeness difficult, maybe even terrifying
- Other people are a source of pain, not comfort.

This, my good souls, is why I suck at one-on-ones, or appear taciturn over the phone.

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